same defecation, different time unit

i have been away from this planet for half of one of your solar years.in that time, me and mine have put to death trillions in this galaxy. we have laid waist to thousands of home worlds, and stripped them of their resources, yet the powers that be insist that i return here, and continue my, "fact gathering". i am permitted to do harm to no more than i can eat while here. where is fairness? last night was the first human i have had for a long time. to think it was something that i thought might be of some consolation. her name was sandy. it was even more fatty, and bland than i had remembered.

If Ever We Meet...

this is me in my human suit. it is how i mingle in the general population. it is rather cumbersome, yet it fits me, and all the instrumentation i need to operate it, and to render humans docile. the female featured with me, i met, and ate later on in the evening, after she confessed, of course. cheers!

Maneuvers

just Dropping by to say, "hello". i am out on maneuvers.

what you give, is what you get

i am renewing my subscription to Enema Bondage Monthly. it never fails to tie down, and take a crack at a splattering of messy crap that does not hold water with most assholes.

Humans Say the Darnest Things

"i will not cum in your mouth"
"this is forever"
"i will buy you a corn dog"
"i deserve respect"
"these panties are hot"
"kill them all, and let god sort them out"
"better living through chemistry"
"where's the beef"
"a war to end all wars"
"golden rule: the one with the gold rules"
"we do not swim in your toilet, do not pee in our pool."
"i will not tell anyone"
"i will gladly pay you tuesday, for a hamburger today"
"jesus loves you"
"this will not hurt"
"i am the best you will ever have"
"all the freshman girls are doing it"
"your reward will come in the end"
"i never watch t.v."

To Bridge the Communication Gap

please explain, "Pussy-cat Dolls".

Eat it son...

...ya kyan roc dissum mod style.
me new profile pic am slam-dung jammin'
yer too fas, n facity, back out me face!
me a badman an me doan give a damn, whuddup?
galang 'bout yer bidness far me rippon ya like rottwilda!

put on the crab legs, i am getting out!

along with much brine, i require 10-25lbs of sea food a day. i prefer shell fish, and squid. although much lower on the evolutionary scale, it is serendipitous that squid are a close enough relative, that i can also mate with them. i have had many fond occasions to eat a squid at the height of ecstasy. i know you are saying that it is no better than putting a gerbil to death in your rectum, but i differ. in my culture, it is the highest complement to take the life of a lover in the height of ecstasy. wouldn't you like to go out in the height of ecstasy, rather than the small and dreadful manner in which you shall pass? i digress! i have held many jobs at fish markets. these times i have my mainstay shipped frozen, but i still like to go out and mingle, with the humans, possibly pick one up for a late night snack. I go to the all-you-eat Chinese buffet. plenty of squid. i am always in awe of the clientele. are there try outs for Jerry Springer next door? i would guess Chinese buffet is what sounds good after a hard day of crack. "when did you get out?" is often heard. i think they give a 50% off the Chinese buffet coupon with early release. "here is your buffet coupon, don not forget to show up for your probation appointments." and do not they love those crab legs. like this must be what its like to be rich, eating all the crab legs you want. this must be what gold tastes like. they bring out a tray of crab legs and two men fill six plates, and the lower in the pack order stand there and say, "got any more crab legs? got any more crab legs?" until they bring more. crab legs are shit. they are difficult to get the meat unless you have mandibles appropriate for cracking shell, and the meat is not really worth the effort. you know i have found the humans who fight for crab legs to be much the same. too much blubber to go through for bland meat.

Small Minds

there are no small minds, until you open the head of a child. why has no one yet attempted to appease me with shrimp? please bear in mind that 14lbs of shrimp might one day buy your freedom.

so sue me

"limit direct human contact" bla, bla, bla. i'd take that directive a little more seriously if i were kept in proper rotation like everyone else. how can i take that or any other directive seriously when my superiors are not acting in accordance with our agreement. are they going to reprimand me? doubtful. who else could tolerate this assignment. i am going to entertain myself. what is the harm?

say anything

i was tormenting a commoner earlier today, when i was struck by her barganing technique. we are not even the same species! my sex organs would gore her innards.

Kindness to rodents is noted

putting a gerbil to death in your rectum for your sexual pleasure is an indefensible act.

Boys will be girls

Be aware, the masculinity of your males is threatened by phyto- and pseudo-estrogens.

Bring me more shrimp!

Back to School Shopping

The heros of your world
are a gasoline gold card.
The heros of your world
are watching intestines unfurl.
The heros of your world
are caught in a butterfly net
The heros of your world
want you for their pet.

Please tell me what i want. i'm lost in conflict. rave girl and abercrombie and fitch won't agree. i promise to contort. i'll take it in the bum because all the freshman girls are. i cut myself to feel. i'll show them all. i'm gonna get me some pelt. i can't wear k-mart. i can't swallow cum. i want to be a rock star with total virus protection.

Submit

I got her to lay down, belly up and submit.

Informal inquiry

Hey earthling, what do you see?
All the best porn that is on t.v.

Hey earthling, what do you eat?
Engineered chemicals, and RED RED MEAT!

Hey earthling, have you seen it all?
I've seen what they got down at the mall.

Hey earthling, tell me what's hot.
Everything I am, and all that you're not.

Hey earthling, where will you go when you're out of jail?
I'm coming right back, so don't post bail!

Hey earthling, tell me what's best.
Incest is best, fuck the rest.

Hey earthling, where will you roam?
I'm goin' down to your house to see if your mamma is home.

Hey earthling, how will you die?
The cops will take me out, under the eye in the sky.

Greetings Earthlings

Boinkee Doinkee